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All posts for the month April, 2014

The Journey Begins

Published April 24, 2014 by talentedpink

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Living life has been a dreadful experience for the most part for me. I have been hurting my entire life, and it is practically all I know. I would like to change that, and little by little that is exactly what I plan to do!

Writing has always been a way for me to get my feelings out. It has been a huge source of comfort and a way for me to see the world through my own eyes. I have always had great intuition and the ability to see myself in ways I’m not sure other people have the ability to do. I am completely honest with myself no matter what. I treat myself the same way I do others, upfront; direct and unforgivably honest. Writing helps me do that. I don’t know how many times I have sat and wrote and come up with epiphanies about myself that I couldn’t have seen any other way. It has been extremely helpful in my growth as a human being.

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When I realized I wanted to be a writer I thought I would write non-fiction because I’m not sure I am creative enough to write fiction. I didn’t even know where to begin with a blog, let alone writing books and memoirs. What I realized when I started to write my blog was that I have a lot of things I need to work through. Very difficult things; like being abused since I was just a toddler or the horrific marriage I have endured.

I have never truly dealt with any of these things, but as I continued to write I found they were coming out of me in my daily writings without me even trying. I found it very natural to write about these things and it helped my psyche tremendously to write and work through them. It also started to be revealed to me all the many other hidden, underlying things I never shared with anyone.

For instance, I hide. I hide from everyone. There is no person on this green earth I don’t hide from. I have hidden agendas, hidden thoughts, hidden feelings, and pretty much a complete hidden person that I have not shared in this world. I suppose to some extent I always knew it, but never admitted it. Not until I started blogging. And it just came out! I didn’t even mean it. It just happened. Through this journey and through my story; people will begin to see me, the real me. There is no hiding here. I plan on being completely upfront and honest about everything I feel and everything I am. We will get to experience this development together. I will even expose the reasons I have kept hidden for so long; as well as exposing lots of other things too!

So this is my journey.

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During this blogging journey I will not only find myself, but will heal myself also; as well as become an even better writer and hopefully one day be very successful at it. My idea of success probably isn’t the same idea as what other people see as success. I merely want to get things published and be able to live off my work. I don’t need to be famous; though that would be a huge perk! I merely want to feel accomplished for my own self. I want to be proud of myself and actually be ME; the real me. As long as I can accomplish all of that, I will be successful!

You can click on the link below to read my about page

It’s All About Me

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Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Published April 23, 2014 by talentedpink

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How do I handle conflict?

Ouch

That is painful. For everyone else. I’m not going to lie.

I am probably one of the most difficult people to deal with if you piss me off.

To be honest it depends a lot on what is going on in my life. Which, to be honest, is usually shit. Shitty, shit, shit.

On a good day, I will just be upfront; direct and unforgivably honest, but will season my words, my tone and my attitude.

On a bad day, beware. On a bad day I will be upfront; direct, unforgivably honest and every single thought that pops into my head will land on your pretty white t-shirt making it look like you just got ran over by a semi-truck. And that’s if I don’t know you personally.

I can be rather hateful. I can cut like a knife. I can be hurtful, and damaging; unforgivably mean.

I feel like I am coming off cocky. I reread this and think, “Wow, I sound like a cold hearted bitch.”

I am actually a very, very nice person. I would do almost anything for almost anybody at any given moment of any day.

But, I do NOT take it lightly if I feel like I am being walked all over.

I have been walked all over, and then ran over several times, jumped on, chewed up, spit out and then ran back over again. Therefore; I don’t take NO shit from nobody.

Conflict gets my blood boiling. Sometimes I enjoy it. I love the rush of adrenaline I feel when a conflict arises and I get to dispense pent up frustration and anger toward another human being that is being disrespectful to me. And speaking from where I came from; there is A LOT of all of that!

I have been working on it. I have learned to cool my temper and let things go. I have been working on being nicer to others when I am angry, and I have learned that everything that upsets me does not need to be a death sentence for the other person. Sometimes I can be mad without hurting others in the process.

This is extremely hard for me to do. Learning to ‘bite my tongue’ has been the most awful experience for me….I have practically had to bite it off completely at times, but I got through the “conflict” without permanently damaging the other person.

To date, I am much better than I was, say, five years ago or probably even six months ago; if I’m being completely honest.

I have found I don’t enjoy the distraught look I see come over people’s faces whenever I go on a rant. I have found that more often than not I feel bad afterwards, and end up eating those same words I spewed all over the unsuspecting victim. I have learned to say sorry more times than I would like to admit, and I have learned that in order to avoid doing that last very painful part; it is simply easier for me to keep my mouth shut; unless of course it is absolutely necessary.

What I have found the most profound is the fact that most of the time my first thought is wrong! My initial reaction is not needed and I am overreacting. Most of the time it is NOT absolutely necessary for me to say absolutely anything I’m feeling in the moment! Imagine that! What have I been doing all these years of my adult life? Losing; friends, family, respect. It has gotten me absolutely nowhere; unless of course, where I was going was to the land of nobody wants to be around you because you’re a total bitch!

I still have my direct approach. I cannot change that about me. I am the most upfront; direct and honest person you will probably ever meet. However, I have learned that just because a thought, attitude or anger pops into my head it doesn’t necessarily need to come out of me.

I’m still a work in progress, but I am trying; every single day.

It has been hard, but I am doing it; and guess what? I like me a whole lot better than I did before. And I’m pretty sure everyone else does also.

So, conflict? I don’t run from it, rather I run to it; but I am better than I used to be. I care more about how my words, attitudes and tones affect other people. I do my best to keep my mouth shut when it serves no purpose, but I will always be me; upfront; direct, and unforgivable honest.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/Showdown-at-Big-Sky

Falling out of Love

Published April 21, 2014 by talentedpink

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Today I need to write. I have to write. My soul is seething. My heart imploding. My mind exploding. I have to write.

I’m falling out if love today. I’m saying goodbye. Forever and always I thought we’d be, but that is no longer a possibility.

I’ve said this before, many, many times; but today is the day I’ve been given no other choice.

There once was a girl so young and so free; that girl, that girl right there; that girl was me.

I didn’t know love or passion or care but I’d thought maybe I’d found it in you over there.

I spent my life loving you, being your wife
But it turned out to be a life filled with strife

I forgave and I forgot, over and over
Always thinking somehow, something would change

But today I know better. I know change will not come
So today is the day I stop being dumb

Beginning again, all alone and incomplete
I doubt that I’ll ever find someone to meet

Nor do I want to nor do I dare
I’m not the kind of girl that is willing to share

So I go off alone to mend my broken heart
Trying to find the courage and somewhere to start

Just Nod If You Can Hear Me

Published April 21, 2014 by talentedpink

child sadness

No one tries to listen
None even bother
Why would they want to
No one really cares

Carrying all the burdens
of this life and the past
Holding them so tightly
time slips away so fast

I try to move forward
but the pain still remains
I try to pretend
but forever I am stained

I pour out my emotions
lay them all out
but what hurts the most
no one hears me shout

I try to be better
I try to be good
I dig a little deeper
but the pain is all there is

I move forward
but always turn around
trying to find a cure
but hurt is all I see

I beg and plead and cry
but no one wants to hear
all the suffering inside
just pretend it isn’t there

I cry and hurt
what a pervert
what a pig
make the sadness stop

I do the best I can
with the little I’ve been given
I just wish I knew the answer
how do you forgive him

But no one tries to hear
no one even listens
I’m dying here inside
if you pay attention

I’m damaged and I’m broken
to which you can’t repair
but all you see
is worthless; not the other side

messed up

I do the best I can
to get through each day
It’s rough and tough and painful
but I’m doing just okay

I need to know I matter
I need to know you care
I need to know you understand
I need a helpful hand

I’m try to get through it
I’m pushing really hard
I’m doing what I can
I’m getting there somehow

I feel all alone
with this burden I’ve been dealt
As though I asked for it
even anyone could care

I do this every day
and no one even knows
I’m putting this out there
let your understanding show

Can anyone understand
Does anyone see
What the hell is happening
Deep inside of me

abusive words

I wish there were wounds
Bruises or breaks
because then they could all see
each time he speaks I shake

I hear the footsteps
on the stairs
I feel the standing
of all my hairs

abuse

I cower and hide
I cry and pretend
I’m not really there
It’s all in my head

But he’s right there in front of me
each and every time
whenever your not there
is when he does the crime

I cry and I cry
I beg you to stay
but there you go again
there you go away

It’s killing me slowly
but no one even knows
this pain is just too much
to ever let it go

Just Nod If You Can Hear Me
Let me know your there
tell me you understand
that your well aware

I need to know you get it
It didn’t just disappear
I look normal as usual
but I’m living in pure fear

Hear my words
Hear my pain
Hear my struggle
It’s all in vain

Look around
can you see
what all of this
has done to me

It’s not made up
It’s still THAT bad
I can’t stop hurting
I’m still so sad

not listening

The pain remains
The struggle is there
I am not normal
So don’t you dare

I see your judging
I see your thoughts
I know you don’t get it
How hard I’ve fought

But I’m still here
I’m still going strong
Doing what I can
With all that went wrong

Try to stay with me
Try to understand
What I’m dealing with
I do what I can

I hope to get better
To do as I please
And live my life quite happy
To finally be free

But that day is not today
Tomorrow doesn’t look good either
But hopefully really soon
I’ll be better forever

I need your love and understanding
not judgment and demeaning
I need to be supported, so
Nod if you can hear me

rape (2)

Not a chance taken, until today

Published April 18, 2014 by talentedpink

chance

Chances? Take a chance? Take a risk? No thank you, that’s scary. What if something goes wrong? What if my entire world comes crashing down on me and I can’t find a way out? What if I’m miserable? What if I hate it? What if? What if? What if?

Story of my life. And the reason I have never really taken any kind of chance. Nothing worth a crap anyway.

Of course I have taken natural chances. I got married. I had kids. I went to school. I’ve gone on vacation.

They all seemed to work out ok. They are all going just fine, except school. That didn’t work out completely. Only because I didn’t finish. I had a nervous breakdown. Couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, couldn’t function anymore and couldn’t go on anymore. It all became too much and suddenly my life was a black hole and I was blind. I curled up in my bedroom for a few months until the fog lifted and I could function again. But I didn’t go back to school. Thought about it, thought about it a lot; but couldn’t bring myself to go. Why? Well, all kidding and excuses aside; I was scared to graduate. I was at the very end of my schooling, only months from graduating, and I just didn’t think I could go through with it. I didn’t think I could perform the job I had been studying for. I kept thinking in the back of my head I was kidding myself because I was never going to be able to do this in real life. And I believed me and so I quit. Just like that. Just that quick. And I’ve never gone back.

Chances though, real life altering, big risk chances; no never. I tried. Thought about it. Even planned for it, but never actually followed through with anything. I’d like to think of myself more as a dreamer rather than a doer. I dream up things all the time. Big, huge, mind blowing things; but they never come to reality. I stomp them out before they ever get a chance.

Sometimes, I wonder what would have come to be with my life if I had ever gone through with any of the risks I had thought up in my mind. Where would I be, what would I have experienced? What would’ve happened? I guess I’ll never know, but it doesn’t really bother me that much.
Surprisingly enough it doesn’t bother me that I don’t know. I figure if it was important enough I would’ve gone through with it at the time, but I didn’t so that pretty much says it all. Right?

And then I had an epiphany. Today….ok not really, actually, literally today; but not long ago. It finally hit me like a brick wall about what I needed to do with my life, and that was writing. Write and write and write. And see where it goes.

So there it is, my very first chance to be taken. Writing. Blogging. Being a writer. Putting words on paper and showing them to the world, as if the world cares about what I have to say. But it is a risk. A risk like I have never experienced. And I’m scared to death, yet excited as hell! I’m just glad I have finally found myself, and I hope it all works out. I hope I can do this. I hope my words inspire others and they like what they read.

Right now I don’t feel very sure of myself. Yesterday I did. Yesterday I felt great about all of this. I felt like I was onto something, but today…today I feel blah. I feel like I might have been kidding myself. I feel like those first posts people liked were just pure luck. I suddenly feel very sad, and unsure.

But, that is me. All the time. Every day. Me. I have a hard time believing in myself. Sticking with things I want to do. Doing things period. It is a problem. It is my problem and hence why I have never taken chances. Hence why I have planned things out to the T, but never followed through.
Too scared to move forward, too scared to fail. But today will be different. Today I will do exactly what I said I would do and I will follow through with it; even if I fail. Even if I do not believe in myself. Even if my entire world blows up and there is nothing left on earth.
I will do this. I will try. I will take this chance.

Who knows. I might surprise myself for once….I might actually find out exactly what will happen by following through with something.
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/take-a-chance-on-me/

Here’s my thoughts, where’s my penny???

Published April 17, 2014 by talentedpink

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When I first decided on being a writer I did what I always do when I need information; I googled it. I google everything I don’t know much about. Which can entail anything from why is my dog carrying around a dinosaur like it’s her newborn puppy, to what did Benjamin Franklin look like.

Upon doing so, I came across several different sites and lots of information. Some people go to college; I am not; though I haven’t ruled it out completely. Some write elaborate books; started dabbing in that a little and some start blogs; which obviously I am doing. The most important thing they said to do was simply write; all the time about everything, about anything. I have been doing that my entire life….writing. I LOVE to write, about anything.

I don’t even know how it all began. All I know is I was doing it before I even knew how to do it. I remember hiding behind the chair in the living room just writing my name over and over again (it was the only thing I knew how to spell) and when I got tired of doing that in multiple different fonts & shapes, upside down, and sideways; I asked someone how to spell my name in cursive and then did that in every which way imaginable. (I still do that when I get a brain block when I’m writing….it helps to relax my mind and free-think or when I’m just bored; sometimes I add my husband and my children’s name too) Regardless, whatever I did, wherever I was, I was writing; (family and friends always kidded with me and called me the doodler).

I always carry paper and pen with me, if I don’t I always, always regret it! I have been doing that since I can remember too!

When I was a little older and began to understand language and how to write sentences I began writing stories and journaling regularly. Writing was always my escape. Escape from reality. This grew me into an absolute love affair with books! In books you can become the person your reading about, and that was exactly what I wanted to do. So reading and writing became my escape from the reality of the world around me. I completely enjoyed it and it was just “me”. I also have to mention: unlike anyone else I know when I have been asked to write something, anything; I could literally write a small book to be published no matter what! Which, I have been told is rather annoying if it’s in a text message or a status post on Facebook! When I was in college we once had to write this huge paper on some topic I can’t remember, but it was required to be like 20 pages, as everyone else groaned and wondered how in the world they would ever be able to write so much; I was up talking to the professor about whether our papers could be longer than that; (Which I was told “no” because it was hard enough to get through the many papers let alone if they were any longer).

I have still spent my entire adult life wondering, worrying and searching for what I was supposed to do with my life. I dabbled in SO many different things I sent my family and friends in circles trying to keep up with all the different career choices I could think up. I even went to two different colleges, never graduating, and attended multiple certificate programs trying to find myself. I couldn’t figure out why nothing ever fit; couldn’t put my finger on it. But, I continued searching, never giving up. And then recently while vacationing my husband and I were sitting on the balcony outside our condo enjoying the oceanfront view and discussing our life and the choices we had made throughout it. We both had regrets, of course, and both wanted much more than what we had thus far.

As we were talking I just started rambling about how I didn’t have any talents and how jealous I was of family members who had their talents front and center and how lucky they were not to have to guess what their purpose was.  I knew that I was “ok” at several things, but nothing I could ever make money doing and then of course I had this weird, but amazing ability with spelling, grammar and punctuation, but what is one supposed to do with that? You can’t make money with that kind of a talent; therefore, it was basically a useless ability. (I had considered in the past to be an English Teacher, but decided not to because I didn’t think I had the  patience to teach because people without this ability just made me angry and I didn’t want to be mean to children)

We continued to sit there, sipping our Corona’s and enjoy the conversation. He continued to dream about the future; where he wanted to move, and what he wanted to do with his life. While, unbeknownst to him my mind was doing summersaults!!! I was “kind of” listening to him dream out loud, but actually my mind was spinning like a whirlpool! And NOT because of the alcohol! I suddenly realized I was onto something! No, I was not going to be an English Teacher; yes, I DID have a talent. A talent I had known I had all these years, but never a talent that I thought was worth anything! I had been wasting my talent. Okay, not completely. I did use my talent nearly every day, but not to do anything constructive with. Not to have a career with. Not for anything I was really proud of. And it hit me like a ton of bricks all at once! I could be a writer! I didn’t know if I had what it took to be a fiction writer. I didn’t think I was creative enough in which I could come up with all these amazing and interesting stories like what I had been reading my whole life. BUT, I could write. And I LOVED to write! I could write anything! The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was. People wrote about ALL kinds of things! They didn’t just write fiction. I know when I think about an author my first thought is writing fiction, but I was closing authors into a bubble without choices. I suddenly realized I didn’t have to be that kind of writer. I could be a non-fiction writer. And then I got really excited! I mean over-the-moon, could jump from the highest building without blinking excited! My insides started jumping for joy and my mind spun out of control! However, as excited as I was I didn’t tell anyone. I had been through career choice after career choice and never followed through on any of it. I had researched job after job and practically given myself migraines thinking about prospective career choices. I had put myself and my family through the ringer with all my ideas! I didn’t want this to be another one of those things! I wanted to make sure this was it before letting anyone in on my little secret. I wanted to be sure; hence, the googling.

And I did just that. I read every single site I came across. I read every single bit of information I could stuff into my tiny little brain as fast as I could shove it in there! I couldn’t get enough! And I knew! I knew it was for me! I could feel it in my veins; I could feel it deep inside where I never allowed anything to go! I knew writing was for me! I had FINALLY found it!

Surprisingly, everyone seemed to be on board. No one has yet to put down the idea, no one seems to think it is a bad idea, and everyone seems to believe in me; which was strange to me because after all the millions of crazy ideas I had come up with in the past someone always seemed to have something to say to the contrary of me believing in myself.

They thought I could do it TOO??? What is this?! How had I missed it all these years, how had I NOT seen it years and years before? Why had it been so difficult to see what had been right in front of my face my entire life? I already knew the answer; I didn’t believe I could do it. I didn’t believe in myself and I had put authors in a bubble.

The very first chance I got after the google searching; I searched out a blogging site. I wanted to write, I wanted to put myself out there and see what happened. I never expected to be the next great blogger, but I thought at least I was writing; getting some experience and practicing my skills. It has been very confusing journey, but I love it! At first I wasn’t sure I had found the right place. I didn’t think I was cut out for blogging. I’m still not 100% sure about it, but I’m trying. I do work on things separately from the blog. I have been working on an autobiography and a fictional book (which I only started because of the bubble I put authors into).

This has been the MOST rewarding experience and by far the BEST choice I could have ever made! I LOVE writing! I love writing about anything and I always have something to say about any topic you could bring up! I can only hope that as I go along this journey I become an even better writer and am able to write something in which people are actually interested in reading. I hope my words to paper will inform and inspire those around me. I hope one day my work will one day take someone else out of the world they do not want to live in and bring them into mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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