Where do my demons live? Where do your demons live?
We all have them, I think. Somewhere deep inside us all. Some are better at hiding them. Better at controlling them.
But what are these demons? Part of our conscience? Sin? Anger? Hate? or possibly hereditary?
How do some of us hide them better than others — have more control over them than others? While there are those of us that can put them aside and live our lives successfully other are haunted regularly by their existence. Sometimes warding them off and other times not.
Is this where criminals stem from? Living with and for their demons rather than fighting them off. The stronger the demon the worse the criminal? Or are all our demons completely different? Do they only know what our weaknesses are and play on them? What we are capable of as individuals?
Most importantly, where do they come from? Where are they originated? Why are they there?
I understand the whole nature vs. nurture debate. And I think that all helps develop and grow our personalities, but these demons are something else. They seem to just be there. I have seen perfectly “good” families have that one “bad seed” time after time. How is that explained? Where did this personality of a person stem from? How is it shaped? Were they formed from the demons inside? And how did the demons form? Why are they there? What is their purpose? And can a person be rid of them or not even have them to begin with?
Sometimes, I “feel” my demons working…hard. While other times, nothing. What gets them all worked up? What brings them out? How do we take control over them? Is simply avoiding them, ignoring them, or not giving into them enough? I do not believe so. I have done that plenty of times just for them to return at a later time. Whereas, friends and family of mine seem to simply have none at all. Never done a “bad thing” in their lives. No temptations to do so either, while I fight, scratch and crawl my way out of their grasp. What is wrong with me? Why are these demons hiding inside of me? Is it only me or are demons inside you also?
Are all demons different? Sexual demons, addiction demons, thief demons, violent demons, risky demons, naughty demons, etc.. All different levels of multiple demons, all having a different effect on us and their ability to control our thoughts, feelings and actions. While others still seem to have none, or are they better at hiding or controlling them?
Can a person legitimately have no demons to overcome while others are basically a demon in and of themselves? Do our demons come from our upbringing? I say no — its part of the person’s unique personality. Only because I came from the same family and upbringing as my siblings and only one of my siblings seems to have it all together and no demons at all. While the rest of us struggle regularly with our demons. Does that make me a bad person or just the response to my demons? I think I do my very best to overcome them, but sometimes they do get the best of me. I try my hardest, but I don’t always succeed. Is there any way to stop the insanity or are we just cursed for life?
Perhaps I am just the flawed of society. Just the sick and twisted of this world. Weird. Strange. Broken. But this is what makes me uniquely me, right? Or is something bigger and deeper at work? I would love to crawl inside the mind of a serial killer or those deemed insane by society and find out exactly how their mind works and if it has any similarities with my own. What does that mean if it does? I have plenty of times heard of people with weird cravings they are able to fend off and get help for, such as pedophilia. They don’t give into the demons and I definitely commend them for that, I only wonder why they are able to and others are not.
It upsets me to anger to think some people have it so easy. Why am I cursed? Was I a bad person in my previous life? Did I have a previous life? Sometimes I think I must have been a terrible person in my previous life to be living the life I currently have. After all most of the things that are happening in my life are nothing I have chosen. Some things are…and some things happen because of the demons I carry with me. Those are the times I am unable to fend them off and I give into the guilty pleasure of it all. Sometimes I feel guilty while other times I couldn’t care less what happened or why. Am I all alone in this? Do other people out there go through the same things I am experiencing? How do you fend off your demons? Do you have demons at all? Are you one of the lucky ones? I believe I will forever be plagued with my demons till I die. It is a sad truth, but it is truth.
Is this what I make, what you make? Or are we born with it? How do we ever find out?