Chances? Take a chance? Take a risk? No thank you, that’s scary. What if something goes wrong? What if my entire world comes crashing down on me and I can’t find a way out? What if I’m miserable? What if I hate it? What if? What if? What if?
Story of my life. And the reason I have never really taken any kind of chance. Nothing worth a crap anyway.
Of course I have taken natural chances. I got married. I had kids. I went to school. I’ve gone on vacation.
They all seemed to work out ok. They are all going just fine, except school. That didn’t work out completely. Only because I didn’t finish. I had a nervous breakdown. Couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, couldn’t function anymore and couldn’t go on anymore. It all became too much and suddenly my life was a black hole and I was blind. I curled up in my bedroom for a few months until the fog lifted and I could function again. But I didn’t go back to school. Thought about it, thought about it a lot; but couldn’t bring myself to go. Why? Well, all kidding and excuses aside; I was scared to graduate. I was at the very end of my schooling, only months from graduating, and I just didn’t think I could go through with it. I didn’t think I could perform the job I had been studying for. I kept thinking in the back of my head I was kidding myself because I was never going to be able to do this in real life. And I believed me and so I quit. Just like that. Just that quick. And I’ve never gone back.
Chances though, real life altering, big risk chances; no never. I tried. Thought about it. Even planned for it, but never actually followed through with anything. I’d like to think of myself more as a dreamer rather than a doer. I dream up things all the time. Big, huge, mind blowing things; but they never come to reality. I stomp them out before they ever get a chance.
Sometimes, I wonder what would have come to be with my life if I had ever gone through with any of the risks I had thought up in my mind. Where would I be, what would I have experienced? What would’ve happened? I guess I’ll never know, but it doesn’t really bother me that much.
Surprisingly enough it doesn’t bother me that I don’t know. I figure if it was important enough I would’ve gone through with it at the time, but I didn’t so that pretty much says it all. Right?
And then I had an epiphany. Today….ok not really, actually, literally today; but not long ago. It finally hit me like a brick wall about what I needed to do with my life, and that was writing. Write and write and write. And see where it goes.
So there it is, my very first chance to be taken. Writing. Blogging. Being a writer. Putting words on paper and showing them to the world, as if the world cares about what I have to say. But it is a risk. A risk like I have never experienced. And I’m scared to death, yet excited as hell! I’m just glad I have finally found myself, and I hope it all works out. I hope I can do this. I hope my words inspire others and they like what they read.
Right now I don’t feel very sure of myself. Yesterday I did. Yesterday I felt great about all of this. I felt like I was onto something, but today…today I feel blah. I feel like I might have been kidding myself. I feel like those first posts people liked were just pure luck. I suddenly feel very sad, and unsure.
But, that is me. All the time. Every day. Me. I have a hard time believing in myself. Sticking with things I want to do. Doing things period. It is a problem. It is my problem and hence why I have never taken chances. Hence why I have planned things out to the T, but never followed through.
Too scared to move forward, too scared to fail. But today will be different. Today I will do exactly what I said I would do and I will follow through with it; even if I fail. Even if I do not believe in myself. Even if my entire world blows up and there is nothing left on earth.
I will do this. I will try. I will take this chance.
Who knows. I might surprise myself for once….I might actually find out exactly what will happen by following through with something.