How do I handle conflict?
That is painful. For everyone else. I’m not going to lie.
I am probably one of the most difficult people to deal with if you piss me off.
To be honest it depends a lot on what is going on in my life. Which, to be honest, is usually shit. Shitty, shit, shit.
On a good day, I will just be upfront; direct and unforgivably honest, but will season my words, my tone and my attitude.
On a bad day, beware. On a bad day I will be upfront; direct, unforgivably honest and every single thought that pops into my head will land on your pretty white t-shirt making it look like you just got ran over by a semi-truck. And that’s if I don’t know you personally.
I can be rather hateful. I can cut like a knife. I can be hurtful, and damaging; unforgivably mean.
I feel like I am coming off cocky. I reread this and think, “Wow, I sound like a cold hearted bitch.”
I am actually a very, very nice person. I would do almost anything for almost anybody at any given moment of any day.
But, I do NOT take it lightly if I feel like I am being walked all over.
I have been walked all over, and then ran over several times, jumped on, chewed up, spit out and then ran back over again. Therefore; I don’t take NO shit from nobody.
Conflict gets my blood boiling. Sometimes I enjoy it. I love the rush of adrenaline I feel when a conflict arises and I get to dispense pent up frustration and anger toward another human being that is being disrespectful to me. And speaking from where I came from; there is A LOT of all of that!
I have been working on it. I have learned to cool my temper and let things go. I have been working on being nicer to others when I am angry, and I have learned that everything that upsets me does not need to be a death sentence for the other person. Sometimes I can be mad without hurting others in the process.
This is extremely hard for me to do. Learning to ‘bite my tongue’ has been the most awful experience for me….I have practically had to bite it off completely at times, but I got through the “conflict” without permanently damaging the other person.
To date, I am much better than I was, say, five years ago or probably even six months ago; if I’m being completely honest.
I have found I don’t enjoy the distraught look I see come over people’s faces whenever I go on a rant. I have found that more often than not I feel bad afterwards, and end up eating those same words I spewed all over the unsuspecting victim. I have learned to say sorry more times than I would like to admit, and I have learned that in order to avoid doing that last very painful part; it is simply easier for me to keep my mouth shut; unless of course it is absolutely necessary.
What I have found the most profound is the fact that most of the time my first thought is wrong! My initial reaction is not needed and I am overreacting. Most of the time it is NOT absolutely necessary for me to say absolutely anything I’m feeling in the moment! Imagine that! What have I been doing all these years of my adult life? Losing; friends, family, respect. It has gotten me absolutely nowhere; unless of course, where I was going was to the land of nobody wants to be around you because you’re a total bitch!
I still have my direct approach. I cannot change that about me. I am the most upfront; direct and honest person you will probably ever meet. However, I have learned that just because a thought, attitude or anger pops into my head it doesn’t necessarily need to come out of me.
I’m still a work in progress, but I am trying; every single day.
It has been hard, but I am doing it; and guess what? I like me a whole lot better than I did before. And I’m pretty sure everyone else does also.
So, conflict? I don’t run from it, rather I run to it; but I am better than I used to be. I care more about how my words, attitudes and tones affect other people. I do my best to keep my mouth shut when it serves no purpose, but I will always be me; upfront; direct, and unforgivable honest.